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Rachel

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broken temperature sign, haha [22 Jul 2008|10:49pm]

camilee
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | "The Office" ]


2 lies| tell me something beautiful

Hello tantrums, meet Wendy the magic unicorn--huzzah! [22 Jul 2008|04:54pm]

ladycoreopsis
I found some pillows to scream in and feel much better today.

Today we had a tantrum about taking our shoes off in the house (it's a Finnish rule, you know--no shoes in anyone's home!). She sat under the table screaming and bouncing, while I tried calmly to talk her out of it. No--Daddy would take them off her feet when he got home. Well, that was 4 hours from now and she needed a nap. I reasoned with her that daddy wasn't home now--no good. I went for the choice route: either me or yourself--no one! No one will take my shoes off! I repeated it, she said yes, no one! I repeated it again, letting her know I heard her--my words lingered on the word ONE for a moment. Ok--redirect. "No ONE can take your shoes off. What if a magic unicorn took your shoes off?"

Silence. Blink, blink. Her eyes were full of magic, and I knew at that moment that her imagination must really be in full bloom! That look smashed my heart to bits--she had discovered she has wonderful places in her head where she can go, make-believe friends she can call up on a whim. Magic really exists in Lumi's world. It made my eyes tear up to see that wonderful gleam in her eye. I had captivated and calmed her in an instant with a tiny, playful redirect. And although it has taken me several minutes to reinact this scenario, perhaps only a second had passed and I realized that the magic unicorn had to surface. And so I said, "Wendy* the magic unicorn will help you take your shoes off." I fetched the unicorn from her room--a Beanie Baby unicorn with a shimmering opalescent horn. Wendy rode in to the rescue and Lumi took her shoes off with Wendy's help.

Then we did our naptime stuff and she's sleeping in my bed still--2 hours later.

Sometimes I'm good, ya know? Those moments of genius where I manage to keep my composure really make up for the times I fuck up. I NEEDED this "victory." Wendy is so full of WIN!

*Wendy is Lumi's godmother, and she was honestly the first person on my mind in this situation where I needed to find grounding really fast. So thanks, Wendy, for being there, even if it was only in my imagination.
11 lies| tell me something beautiful

[21 Jul 2008|09:53pm]

platformjunkie
I've been eating scraps
3 lies| tell me something beautiful

Anger [20 Jul 2008|10:04pm]

ladycoreopsis
I liked this quote a lot, since it really sums up why I turned to "outside help" to help me get more connected to Lumi again. I just couldn't stand feeling so much anger towards both of us anymore. I didn't want things to fester. So for that, I'm going to compliment myself and tell myself that I am a good mother.

"Anger becomes harmful when you don't regard it as a signal to fix the cause. You let it fester until you dislike your feelings, yourself, and the person who caused you to feel this way. You spend your life in a tiff over smallies that you could have ignored or biggies you could have fixed. That's harmful anger."
--William and Martha Sears"
1 lie| tell me something beautiful

[21 Jul 2008|01:52am]

platformjunkie
I got pulled over tonight. Apparently my tags were suspended bc I forgot to pay my insurance last month. I have loads of fines for driving uninsured.

My car was almost impounded. I'm going to have pay loads of fines.

I'm trying so fucking hard and something always happens to hold me down.

I dunno what i'm going to do.

I'm fucked.

I need money bad now. even with having a higher paying job i need it. If you could use a hair cut or anything within my realm of ability, please ask. i'm cheap and I NEED HELP.

I know I have done bad things in my life, but I am mostly good to people. My bad karma comes back to get me and my good karma....comes back to get me. I don't know what to do anymore.

With everything being so positive lately in my progress as a person, i have felt strong if somewhat tired. When things like this happen it makes me want to just give up.
5 lies| tell me something beautiful

Growing pains.... [20 Jul 2008|06:28pm]

platformjunkie
I had a very long, difficult and only somewhat unfruitful conversation with my ex Kristin today. With all the mental and emotional reorginizing going on in my life, i felt certain things needed to be said. She, of course, thought I was being manipulative, which is not far from the realm of things I am known to do. Really, I just wanted to make peace with my own actions, her place in my life and everything that has transpired between the two of us. She was characteristically very nasty to me, for which, i cannot blame her. My head is cleared now. Another in the long list of sweeping changes overtaking me, my life and those around me.

I have also severed ties with several people and have been isolating myself.

It's a little painful at times, but all part of a larger positive change in myself.

Go forward. Just have to keep reminding yourself; go forward.
1 lie| tell me something beautiful

dog days of summer [20 Jul 2008|06:18pm]

camilee
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Blonde Redhead ]

So once again I'm consumed by pet-sitting and exercising. I'm not sure why those go hand-in-hand, especially when pet-sitting is exercising since I go on so many dog walks....strange.  Anyway, at least I'm making money and keeping busy. Otherwise, I know I'd be terribly depressed and restless, especially when I heard that the "only way" to get licensed nowadays in this mental health reform crisis is to volunteer and work for free to collect hours. Fuck that.

The Virginia/Kentucky/Tennessee trip was great! We met my relatives from Indiana there and toured around the place where my Grandma was raised. She turned 80 while we were there and she still has a bunch of relatives there, too, so we had a nice reunion there. And by nice, I mean pleasant, but still very bizarre. I met a female relative who has a full beard, a double second-cousin who is schizophrenic and was on America's Most Wanted, and another double cousin who was hitting on me. (Double cousin = my grandma and her sister married two brothers, so we're related two ways. Yes. Very hillbilly.) Carey and Brandy brought Brandy's daughters, so we were kept very busy chasing them around. 

But a big highlight was when we went to a historic site called "Martin's Fort." My Grandma's maiden name is Martin and come to find out (via a video the site showed us) our ancestor, Jospeh Martin,  was a famous peacekeeper between the colonists and Cherokee people and ran a fort that housed colonists as they traveled west out of Virginia. (It apparently kept them safe from Indian invasions.) Then he fell in love with a Cherokee woman and had children with her, and that's where my bloodline started. I knew I was English and Cherokee on my mom's side, but I didn't know the full story, so it was really cool to find all that out. What was ALSO really cool about that was that even though the actual fort (recreated) was closed for the day, we ran into the Joseph Martin reenactor in the parking lot and when we told him we were related to him, he got excited and gave us a private tour of everything! Call me a dork, but I thought it was really cool. 


The rest of the trip was nice, too. We visited my late great-uncle's tobacco farm and hiked up the land to his old barns. There we picked blackberries and enjoyed the view.....I've forgotten how much I've missed the mountains. 



That part and this part: 



Haha. That was in front of a MIddlesboro, KY bridal shop that was next door to our hotel. In the hotel lobby was a newspaper clipping that recounted the day the hotel was reopened by different owners. The front page headline said, AND I QUOTE, "Hotels New Named Unveiled at Ribbon Cutting." They were so proud. 


For now I'm off to rest. I was house/pet sitting a chocolate lab puppy all weekend and she kept me up for most of last night whining and crying. Oh it's good to be home.
12 lies| tell me something beautiful

Watch it, asshole. [17 Jul 2008|08:52pm]

platformjunkie


Amanda Palmer "Ampersand"

2 lies| tell me something beautiful

[17 Jul 2008|08:36pm]

platformjunkie
Baltimore is full of a lot of really stupid, posturing, snotty, see-through hipsters.

I have absolutely nothing but disdain for you sanctimonious assholes.

If i see one more mustache, ironic t shirt or bicycle i'm going to fucking snap.

Congratulations for being the coolest waiter ever.
tell me something beautiful

[17 Jul 2008|07:26pm]

platformjunkie
There are no words clinging
to her baited breath
smell of skin and salt
the smell of death
and I crawl inside
black-out
horizons five
my mask falling
behold the insect head

turn around
look away
head down
I need to know
that you've got nothing to say
Mother
A murder
you're the sacred whore
I would break my back
to give you more

Deeper and deeper
In your thighs
I'm digging my grave
Deeper and deeper
Beneath the sweat
I almost feel saved

kill you
or make you cum
I could kill you
or make you cum
kill you
or make you cum
I could kill you
or make you cum

Deeper and deeper
your plastic mouth
a shallow grave
Anesthesia
Beneath the sweat
I almost feel saved

Deeper and deeper
In your thighs
I'm digging my grave
Deeper and deeper
Beneath the sweat
We almost feel saved

There is something
when you play nothing
the closest I've ever come
to jesus christ
there's no revelation
blackhole religion
bow your head
close your eyes
hold your breath
die
tell me something beautiful

[16 Jul 2008|07:37pm]

platformjunkie
It dissapoints me how predictable everyone can be. Even myself.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

That's what it has been about lately. waking myself up to new things. Will. Y'know the thing we slowly grind away as we get older? I'm using mine. I'm shaping mine.

Belong to no one. Not even yourself.
2 lies| tell me something beautiful

[16 Jul 2008|06:52pm]

platformjunkie
These violent outbursts
keep me sane
picking the stitch
the terror will inoculate
just a tiny, tiny taste
you're just a little too late
I point the finger right in my face
and I
rely
the cuts and bruises will always get me by
tell me something beautiful

[14 Jul 2008|06:21pm]

platformjunkie
The car is fixed. I pretty much did it myself.

I can now officially cut and color your hair, do your makeup, help you pick out an outfit, help you remodel your house, beat your boyfriends ass and fix your ride. How's that for raping pre-determined sexual roles.




...oil tastes pretty terrible when you get it in your mouth. Like worse than your imagination would suggest.
7 lies| tell me something beautiful

Parental toolbox: baby-led weaning [14 Jul 2008|02:46pm]

ladycoreopsis
Last week at Sakke's 5 month well-baby checkup, we began the solids introduction talk. The nurse asked if I had thought about starting Sakke on solids and I said no, not yet. He is not developmentally ready to take solids yet. She just said we should start sometime in his 6th month and didn't say anything else, given that Sakke is my second child. I've been thinking about baby-led weaning since a mom in [info]feb_2008_babies mentioned it, so I asked the pediatrician at this same visit about it. She hadn't heard of it before, but she said, without prompting by me, that it would probably be a very interesting method for babies to learn to eat solids and very healthy. She just cautioned about choking hazards, but said "It sounds alright to me--Good luck."

In case you're wondering, here is a checklist of the developmental sign-posts for solids introduction:

* Baby can sit up well without support.
* Baby has lost the tongue-thrust reflex and does not automatically push solids out of his mouth with his tongue.
* Baby is ready and willing to chew.
* Baby is developing a “pincer” grasp, where he picks up food or other objects between thumb and forefinger. Using the fingers and scraping the food into the palm of the hand (palmar grasp) does not substitute for pincer grasp development.
* Baby is eager to participate in mealtime and may try to grab food and put it in his mouth.
(Source: http://www.kellymom.net/nutrition/solids/solids-when.html)

As it stands, Sakke only is just now starting to take interest in things I eat, but shows no other signs of readiness. He bats at sandwiches in my hand, for example. I gave him a hard ring-shaped biscuit a few days ago just to see what he'd do with it and he did gum on it for a short time before it broke and I took it away, but he didn't seem to be all that interested in ingesting it.

When he does start to show signs of readiness, I am going to follow the baby-led weaning approach. Read more about baby-led weaning here. )
2 lies| tell me something beautiful

Parental toolbox: potty training tips [14 Jul 2008|02:28pm]

ladycoreopsis
Just because this is fresh in my mind and I want to remember it for the next kid...

For the interested, potty training tips under the cut. )
tell me something beautiful

[14 Jul 2008|12:57am]

platformjunkie
This song brought me to tears. I am eagerly awaiting the album's release.

"The Astronaut"
BY: Amanda Palmer
From the forthcoming "Who Killed Amanda Palmer?"

is it enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside a book
small enough to cover with your hand
because everyone around you wants to look

it is enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside the cracks
the pieces don’t fit together so good
with all the breaking and all the gluing back

and i am still not getting what i want
i want to touch the back of your right arm
i wish you could remind me who i was
because every day I’m a little further off

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders

and is it getting harder to pretend
that life goes on without you in the wake
and can you see the means without the end
in the random frantic action that we take

and is it getting easy not to care
despite the many rings around your name
it isn’t funny and it isn’t fair
you’ve traveled all this way and it’s the same

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders
and i would tell them anything to see you split the evening
but as you see i do not have an awful lot to tell
everybody’s sick for something that they can find fascinating
everyone but you and even you aren’t feeling well

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders

yes you are, my love, the astronaut
crashing in the name of science
just my luck they sent your upper half
it’s a very nice reminder
it’s a very nice reminder

and you may be acquainted with the night
but I have seen the darkness in the day
and you must know it is a terrifying sight
because you and i are living the same way
3 lies| tell me something beautiful

[14 Jul 2008|12:10am]

platformjunkie
i guess you're all content
to just play dead
fuck you in your ass
you just
bury your head
selling soul
saving face
it's rape at a low percentage rate
I can't hide my
disappointment in you
what you wont do
don't open your eyes
sold out the sun
catch you sleeping
when kingdom comes


the only song we sing is
silent refrain
plugging your ears
you medicated the pain
no we don't burn buildings
we just play dead

and the slave remains the same
and the slave remains the same
and the slave remains the same

lacking in content
agree with all thats said
here raping your mother
your just
nodding your head
abandon control
opiate
well-trained and accepting fate
can't hide my disappointment
is you
what you wont do
don't open your eyes
sold out the sun
catch you sleeping
when kingdom comes

they won't need to kick in the door
they won't need to kick in the door
they won't need to kick in the door

the only song we sing is
silent refrain
plugging your ears
you medicated the pain
no we don't burn buildings
we just play dead


Hope you won't hold it against me
but we all get what we deserve
Just Play dead
Play dead
Play dead

Just

Play dead
tell me something beautiful

[13 Jul 2008|10:16pm]

platformjunkie
wrap it tighter
pick it clean
scraping all your fear-filled faces away
I declared you as all as fiction today
and I'm walking past
certainly i'm not running away

Re-make my jaw and mouth
stupid words chisel chips away
I am revolver-head
you will be blown away
tell me something beautiful

[13 Jul 2008|10:11pm]

platformjunkie
I've decided tonight. I'm doing it. i'm seeling the house. everything else has changed so much for the better and this one thing keeps nagging me.

I've sand-blasted my life and I feel amazing. I think i'm going to look to live in an wharehouse/arts community or at least rent some space in an old building where i can really work.

I'm kissing the last of wounded Ricky away. No more white-trash procrastination blues.

After that, I change cities.

That's all i care about now. Work. Dirty hands and a hot back. I have much to do.
1 lie| tell me something beautiful

[13 Jul 2008|11:34am]

platformjunkie
I do the stupidest things.

some recent examples:
-Blatantly hit on a girl not realizing (or taking the time to find out if) she has a boyfriend.
-Falling asleep during a really fun date (no ass for Rick)
-Continually pretending there is nothing wrong with my car when in fact my head valve is blown and i am just pissing oil out.
-Spending a good portion of NEXT week's money this week.
-Deciding that alcohol is a great substitute for groceries and that, even though i have money now, I should just continue not eating much and being a mess because I'm losing weight and it makes me really happy.
-Trusting a junkie, again. I buried my father, I know I'll be burying one of my best friends.
5 lies| tell me something beautiful

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